In the Current Crisis, What is God saying to me?

The fear of death

 'When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come to pass: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” Where, O Death, is your victory? Where, O Death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.…' (1 Corinthians 15:54-55)

'For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better.' (Philippians 1:21)

If death has lost its sting, and to be with Christ is better than life here – it’s time to realise that FEAR itself (the wrong kind of fear) is always the product of a lie.
‘Has God said?’ The Enemy always tries to deflect us from the truth in Christ.

'Now since the children have flesh and blood, He too shared in their humanity, so that by His death He might destroy him who holds the power of death, that is, the devil, and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.' (Hebrews 2:14-15). 

Do not Judge lest you be judged

There are those who feel negatively judged because of an opinion others have.
Living in Germany for 31 years, I’ve realised that because German has different words for
‘judging’ = condemning,
‘judging’ = sentencing, and
‘judging’ = form a right opinion or conclusion about something

In the English-speaking world, Christians can easily be confused by people who tell us, ‘You shouldn’t judge’ – but actually forming a right judgement is vital – and it’s what’s missing in much of the talk about the current world crisis.

The trans-national commonality of it all

If we actually read the biographies of Kissinger, Zbigniew Brzezinski, and others who have been open about their plans for a one world government for nearly 100 years, people wouldn’t call us conspiracy theorists.

Science/knowledge/gnosis

Are we supposed to be barking up the Tree of Knowledge? Or do we follow Christ, who is the REAL source of wisdom and knowledge? Why are people not actually listening to what the Holy Spirit HIMSELF is saying to the Churches? We rely on human knowledge, and even human interpretation of the Bible, because the churches are full of people who don’t actually KNOW Jesus, let alone follow Him.

A Dividing line

What God is saying to me is this:- He allows and is allowing evil to bring a shaking on the earth. This is not our world. Jesus did not call His servants to fight against the evil which took Him to the Cross, because God had a higher plan which would come into effect THROUGH the Cross. However, '...when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith in the earth? (Matthew 25:31).

Practically speaking, He has told me that the ‘novel treatments’ are not of Him, and it’s not necessary to get ‘treated’ with them. I am to obey and follow His word – and as long as it depends on me, I am to inform others and stand firm. I lost my old ‘church’ family years ago for asking (different) questions and because of the current crisis, although I haven’t been provocative, am getting flak from my family.

Jesus said, “Do not assume that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn ‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.…’” (Matthew 10:34-35)

Jesus said, "According to your faith, be it unto you".

 

It's impossible to avoid seeing posts about theological arguments if you frequent social networks and have connections to believers, particularly in conservative evangelical camps. As a new believer I grew up with a particular eschatalogical viewpoint and vehemently stuck to it. However, one comes across opinions of all shades in Christendom and in the church we used to attend until 7 years ago, eschatology (as well as other contentious issues) was neglected, for the simple reason that no-one really knew how to talk about it and it was considered easier to avoid it.

When we went out of organised church, I spent a lot of time, as many do, searching in the internet for people who had gone through the same kind of experience as we had gone through, and found many who had come out of organised church, especially in America. Their input has been really important to me. I think of Stephanie Bennett in Florida, https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/koinonialife/info Michael Clark in Idaho, http://awildernessvoice.com/ and the late Jay Ferris http://lovinglikegod.com/ in North Carolina. The networks where I found myself, through contact with them, brought me into contact with opinions of all kinds. I was brought up in the UK,  and now live in Germany, far from the kind of conservative evangelical churches many in the US were brought up in and were influenced by. So I haven't been affected by that kind of religion, and sometimes feel unable to relate to the kind of reaction many who have come out of that kind of organised religion have, when looking back. The religion I came out of was nonetheless just as dangerous and misleading, perhaps because it was more subtle in some ways.

Anyway, part of my journey away from religion has included forays into the camps of people who espouse other eschatalogical persuasions than the one I grew up with. Their views challenged my own, but one thing began to become more and more important to me... Most of these people were no longer focused on their own theological position; they were far more focused on Jesus alone. HE was their all-consuming passion and they deliberately chose to walk away from theological arguments ABOUT Him. This made a deep impression on me. I have been influenced for many years by strong theological opinions, but the fact that the lives of those who held these had not been changed BY what they purported to believe made me see that it isn't our theological opinions which are important, but a strong relationship with the Lord Jesus Himself. A child has no idea about the arguments between pre-trib, mid-trib, post-trib raptures or the Koiné Greek used to back up such arguments, but a child can receive revelation from the Holy Spirit and love the Lord with all his heart. 

A  HUGE amount of marketing and money are spent on the whole rapture question. How can this be  money well spent? Websites are given over to it and monumental arguments take place over the issue. How can this be time well spent? 

 The other day, a thought occurred to me. Jesus said, 'According to your faith, be it unto you'... (Matt 9:29). The men to whom Jesus said this were healed of their blindness. But we cannot receive anything from the Lord except by faith in His word, on any matter, whether provision, healing, wisdom, foreknowledge etc. And it occurred to me that perhaps this whole rapture question is the same. 

I wonder if perhaps the various eschatalogical positions are ALL correct? It's just a question. 

Maybe it just depends on a person's FAITH, where he will end up - in the rapture, pre-trib or after, post-trib, or none? Maybe all the arguments we have about the subject are fruitless discussions ... if we spent our time looking to Jesus alone and spending time in His presence, (after all, we become like the One we worship -  Psalm 115:8) our faith would grow, because He would give us revelation as we look to Him. We have to watch out that our focus isn't on theological positions, but on the One who loves us. He will lead us, give us whatever revelation we need, as we come to Him.

Essentials

Over the last few weeks I have been rethinking what I wrote in the page 'Inessentials' and in this context, I have been seeing that in His discipleship of His followers, the Lord is uncompromising in His challenge to us.

Is there anything in my life which I would be unprepared to give up for Him if he asked me to? Is there anything which holds a sacrosanct place for me? In other words, are there any areas in my life which are off-limits for the Lord? Do I keep secret ‘high places’ to myself, like the Israelites in the Bible, where I worship idols?
In my case, I have been asking whether or not this whole area of literature isn’t one where I have nurtured pride in some subtle form or another. 

I wrote above that …’I don't usually want to read 'worldly' literature anyway. My soul doesn't need it.’

 Why did I write that? Looking at it again, I would agree with it, but I would add that if I am close to the Lord, I don't usually want to read 'worldly' literature anyway. My soul doesn't need it.

 This obviously means that if I am not walking closely with the Lord, then there is a void in my heart which I want to fill with other things, and in my case, that has often been literature.

 I know very well that if I am walking closely with the Lord, then I’m not even interested in reading Christian books in a desultory sort of way, as a sort of stop-gap measure. These are in any case often written with a view to making money. Do I want to promote this?

I don’t want anything else other than to hear Jesus’ voice and to experience His Presence all the time.  He fills all my being with His Life and fullness. What more could I want when He is near? It’s an insult to His Majesty to even contemplate allowing myself, His Temple, to be filled with anything but worship and love of Him.

What do I love?

What is it which motivates His uncompromising call to discipleship? Law? Or Love?

Is He like so many legalistic Christians, who forbid any activity or pastime because they think it’s wrong? What is their motivation? Their lives often display a sad lack of joy and attraction. Most people run a mile when confronted by such people and are anything but drawn to the Jesus they purport to follow.

May I suggest that if we were perfected in LOVE, then there would be no need for LAW, by which I mean legalism.

May I suggest that rather than love motivating them, such people are motivated by fear, or pride in their own righteousness or holiness?

They are so worried that they will put a foot wrong, because they have their eyes on SELF instead of on the Lord, that they forbid certain activities to prevent them from sinning. Colossians 2:20-23  says ‘If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world,  why, as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as, ‘Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch!’  (which all refer to things destined to perish with the using) – in accordance with the commandments and teachings of men? These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence…’

Nothing prevents us from sin and acting out of the Self but reckoning ourselves dead and crucified with Christ, so that He can have full authority in us.

So I spoke to the Lord about it. ‘If I died, then all these books and literature in general, no matter what kind, would be of no interest to me. If I were dead, then nothing this world contains would hold the slightest interest for me. So why do I hold on to them? James says that friendship with the world is adultery in the eyes of God.
 
Am I dead? Yes, of course! Crucified and dead and buried with and in Christ! All that matters now is His Life in me. His Life, and nothing from the Tree of Knowledge which only puffs up the mind, only temporarily satisfies the soul and doesn’t fill me with love of anything but self, which produces death.

Paul then goes on, (Colossians 3:1-3) ’If then, you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things which are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. SET YOUR MIND ON THE THINGS ABOVE, not on the things which are on earth. For you have died…and your life is hidden with Christ in God.’

So I have put all the love and interest in literature, including ‘The Lord of the Rings’ and other fantasy literature, on the altar.

Paul says in Philippians 3:7-8, ‘But whatsoever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of (one might say, ‘compared to’) the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered loss of all things, and count them but rubbish (actually the word is shit) in order that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own which is derived from the LAW, but that which is through faith in Christ…’

How can I compare anything in this world with Jesus? Nothing can compare with Him, or knowing Him? My highest joy is in being in His Presence, worshiping Him, in loving Him with all my heart and all my soul, all my mind and all my strength. How can I allow any other thing to take His place in my affection? Do I want to build up my mind, or my spirit?
 
What do I love?

 

 

 

Your Love

Your love has come
Like a warm, tropical storm
On a deserted beach at sunset.
Sinking rays slant gold on sand and skin
Shadows lengthen behind
To purple depths.
Rain, tumultuous and saturating penetrates to deep within.
Nothing to do but strip to nakedness
And arms wide out, embrace
Wet and wind.
Come my Love, and fill
My ever-thirsting cup.

2013

Prayer/Poem 1985

To do, sweet Lord, Thy will, is my desire
Fan Thou my smould'ring embers 'til they catch Thy fire
Enlarge my self-gorged heart - gouge out the gross
Self-pity, greed and pride and sloth and fuss.
Enlarge it Lord, 'til Thou
Mayst find for Thee a place
Worn down by tears of bloody pain
Racking Thy face,
And take in me, O Lord, Thy heavenly throne
Cast out my selfish will and make Thine own
To fit my place which Thou hast carved for Thee
O Lord, reign there and leave no room for me.

1985

“The last act is the greatest treason. To do the right deed for the wrong reason.” T.S.Eliot

The above is a quotation from 'Murder in the Cathedral', which we had to study for 'A' Level English at school in England. Blessed with two inspired English teachers at school, I grew to love T.S. Eliot and this quotation has remained with me ever since.

I was reminded of it recently, while taking part in a discussion about Abraham in a house church group on Facebook. (I have to admit it, I have rejoined - it has proven easier to keep in touch with the children).

It is sad how such discussions can turn out, particularly when experts with especially strong giftings, personality and sometimes uncrucified natures feel that they need to teach and correct others who might have a different viewpoint. It is sad to see how people are treated. The impressive response from these dear corrected ones has been humble and Christlike.

What strikes me, however, is the extent to which I find myself being tempted to portray an image of myself as better than I actually am. If I'm corrected, I don't want to defend myself or try to attack the other person, but I find myself tempted to write in such a way which will portray myself as similarly 'Christlike' to the others I admire. My fear is that I'm probably alone in this. Or perhaps it's the temptation of every writer to give people the impression that he's an expert in his field, because he knows that deep down, he isn't. He writes to make up for his insecurity.
Or maybe I'm being far too analytical.

Social Network discussions are amazing things, if only for the exchange of ideas, but, as I recently read, a recent U.S. university study has pointed out that only 7% of communication takes place via words. 38% takes place via tone of voice and 55% via body language. This puts FB posters at a severe disadvantage, or advantage, depending on how one looks at it.
No-one else can see my face while I write. No-one can see my gestures or hear my voice. I am at the mercy of my words. And if I can write at all well, then I can manipulate others by my words, to make them think that I'm a more mature follower of Yeshua than I really am. :/

I was tempted to write a post in that particular thread for the above reason. In the end, I didn't. It was too unreal.
Internet communication really seems to have a large element of unreality; after all, here I am, sitting at my laptop at this home-made, cobbled-together desk, a single lamp shining on a higgledy-piggledy collection of pens, papers and dust, in a small room where I have a growing pile of ironing waiting for me, a dead fly on the window sill, my sweatpants and sweatshirt hanging on a rail (waiting to be worn tomorrow morning when I'll go Nordic walking with my closest friend along the river), and bookcases groaning with files and books, and a writing desk on which all my English lessons are lying. This is my reality here. Yet I'm connecting with others over the world, whose lives I have no or little idea about. It is so easy to only show people what I want them to see; a cyber reality.

That's why I thought of this quotation.  Had I posted, it might have been a good post, but it would have been for the wrong reason. I want Yeshua to deal with all that first. How wonderful it is to remember that salvation has three tenses - to quote Chuck Missler - justification (simple past), sanctification, (present continuous) and glorification (future). He has dealt with all three and I am complete in Him. Praise God!

Recent stuff...

There hasn't been much to report over the last few weeks - I've been busy teaching business English at various companies around town, enjoying the contact I have with my students, and praying for open hearts - most are fairly closed though.

I did have one encouraging chat with a girl on Tuesday. The other student was ill and couldn't come. I knew that the remaining student was a Christian, and she started talking about the Lord. She wanted to learn the Lord's Prayer in English, so I wrote it up on the flipchart. :)  (I wonder what other students and people who use that room think of it!)

Turns out she had come from East Germany two years ago, remembered the days under Communism very well, and shared what a struggle she and her husband were having with the lukewarm, self-satisfied Christians here in the West. She said that we needed to become fit for the concentration camps again. I agree with her. She said though, that I was the first person she had been able to say this to - as most here would be horrified and shocked to hear it. People are too wrapped up with their possessions and nice houses.

They go to a reasonably lively Lutheran service on Sundays, but the sermon is like weak tea and she feels increasingly desperate, as she has no fellowship and no-one with whom she can really pray.
She told me about the place where she works, the Red Cross Blood Donation Centre here in town, where she's the only Christian and everyone else is very closed. One of her colleagues is a self-proclaimed witch - a gypsy from Romania. Anyway, we had a very good time praying, were mutually encouraged and exchanged addresses. We'll see what the Lord brings out of it.
It was kind of encouraging to discover that she and her husband like an occasional whisky and cigar!

I have rejoined Facebook. I didn't think I ever would, and the last two years have been good, since I left, but as both our children are still there and I miss the contact with people who are far flung - especially in the US and UK, after praying about it, I had peace about rejoining. I still dislike the thought of being spied on by the Powers that Be, but that's par for the course these days. I  must be careful not to spend too much time there, though.

We have a young man staying with us whose marriage is going through a tough patch (his wife stayed with us for two weeks before Christmas). We don't have much to offer, apart from a bedroom, food and prayer now and then, but the Lord is able to multiply it and make it effective.  He's been a Christian for 7 years, but in the church which he attends (our old one) he hasn't been able to grow much, isn't yet baptized and until a week ago wasn't baptized in Holy Spirit either. The Lord saw to that two weeks ago last Saturday, after a good time praying together. He has been much encouraged and changed since then and has more hope in his difficulties.

As far as I'm concerned, I think the Lord is giving me a breakthrough in the area of eating. It's been something I've given up on for about 8 years, after constantly failing in all the attempts at dieting I ever made. But something has changed. I have accepted that I cannot have the fellowship with the Lord that I long for if I am indulging myself, however harmless that looks on the outside. Deep down I know what is right for me and what isn't. It may be different for other people. I know what He has said to me, however. I have accepted that food is, for me, the giant in the land, and nothing short of obedience and death to my flesh will kill it. I don't want to despise my birthright, like Esau, for a mess of potage! So I'm not focussing on how much weight I'm losing, so much as eating the right things and 'trying to see what pleases the Lord.'
Someone once said to me after I had told her that I was fasting to lose weight - this was about 19 years ago -  that 'obedience is better than sacrifice'. It hit home, and I have always remembered it, but I was just too impatient - and disobedient, wanting to do things my way. Now, at nearly 49, I have finally realised that perhaps my ways don't work very well. May the Lord give me grace, because I've learned that I can be very slippery and after He brings me to a new place in Him where I experience breakthrough, I have often slipped back again and been rebellious, and have had to go through the same hard lessons all over again.
Israel circling Mount Seir (I think it was) comes to mind. Esau again. Hmm. I think I'm hearing something here.

Hannukah Baking

In light of the fact that all across Germany people are baking Weihnachtsplätzchen, many of which are incredibly sweet and sugary, I thought I'd try out a few savoury biscuits for Hannukah instead. This is a picture of the results. It's a simple cheese pastry with mustard and a dash of cayenne pepper and decorated with different seeds and toppings.

Starting at the top left, we have 'Caraway Stars,' top right; 'Bleeding Hearts', bottom left; 'Cheese and Olive Menorahs', middle; 'Ketzakh Kokhavim', (Black Cumin Stars) middle right; 'Magen Davids' and bottom right; 'Gabriels'.

I thought up these names for the biscuits, which are to remember the events surrounding the Feast of Dedication in 164 BC. The 'Bleeding Hearts' are simple cheese pastry hearts brushed with a bit of sundried tomato pesto - to remember Hannah whose seven sons were brutally martyred by Antiochus Epiphanes rather than worship his gods and assimilate themselves to Hellenism. The 'Menorahs' (topped with a bit of gouda and a 1/8 of an olive) are to remember the miracle of the Menorah oil in the Temple which, although only enough for one day, miraculously lasted 8 days. The 'Magen Davids' are to remember that Yeshua is the Lord and our shield and the 'Gabriels' (brushed with egg white and covered with sesame seeds,) are to remember that Mariam was visited by the Archangel Gabriel  and told that she would conceive the Messiah by the Holy Spirit. Maybe next year I'll find a dove biscuit cutter and make biscuits like doves. This was fun.

Wilderness Experience

One of the strangest and saddest things that can come someone's way once they leave the church system is the silence, distance and exclusion maintained by those they had thought were friends. In our case, fewer than 5 maintained contact, and they were mainly from other congregations. All but two of those from our own circle cut off contact. Some seemed to have thought that we had backslidden. Others assumed that we had done something really bad. Others decided that because we no longer saw church as they did, they refused to have contact with us. We were not permitted to explain why we were leaving. We were cut off from having information about friends in the church for whom we wanted to pray because we weren't a part of the group any more. This was not done intentionally; it's simply the way the organisation works. Organisation is done ostensibly for people, and it can help those who need help, but it can also exclude.

I suppose some would say that this was our fault. After all, we left the system. What else should we expect? And perhaps this is partly true. We believed that we had seen through the system and could see something which hardly anyone else could see. No-one else in our circle had come out - if they had left, it was to join another church in town - there has always been a steady church-swapping of sheep. So many felt that we no longer wanted to be friends with them. This wasn't true; what was true is that we could no longer join in with the compromise and pragmatism which become inevitable when a group grows too big to maintain intimate relationships based on obedience to the Word of God. We had always been seen as rather radical, idealistic and extreme, I think. Many felt that we were far too much so for our own good. They may have a point. Certainly it has made us few lasting friends here, where most people take easier paths.

So in a world where the vast majority of people find connections in social groupings and clubs of various kinds, Christians who leave the social Christian organisations called churches truly find themselves in a wilderness. No matter if those in the organised churches truly and primarily believe that the church is the family of God and the body of Christ or not, organisation eventually, incrementally and insidiously takes the upper hand. If we cut ourselves off from it, we shouldn't be surprised if we are excluded and sidelined. It was still a shock, though. We had always assumed that being part of the Body of Christ meant that regardless of where you worshiped, you were still family.

It's hard when you find out later that someone you were close to and live next door to has had a major operation, but didn't tell you. Or that someone else had lost their baby at birth; that someone else was dying from an incurable disease; that another had been living in adultery for two years; that another marriage was breaking up because of infidelity and yet another because of irreconcilable differences. We were no longer in the information loop and therefore couldn't help practically either. When we did offer to help, once we found out, it was ignored or refused.

Re-reading the above makes me think how unhealthy what I have written sounds. It reads as if we are self-focused, obsessed with our own legitimacy and correctness, and that everyone else is just wrong. I don't want to imply that I think we're the only ones who are right. God's people are precious, whoever and wherever they are and those in the circle where we had been are just as precious. I just don't think we fitted. At least, we weren't like them and we eventually came to feel that our questions and passion for truth and the word of God were awkward, uncomfortable and increasingly unwelcome. We are not perfect - we are constantly being shown where we fall short. Perhaps it's partly this which makes us vulnerable to spiritual attack and being overly hard on ourselves.

I think that what I'm trying to identify is the strange dilemma one finds oneself in when one is no longer part of the organised group. There is an identity which comes from belonging somewhere and to somebody. Once that's no longer the case, (clearly shown when a friend from the group talks to you about "her" church as if you were no longer a part of the Body of Christ) then there's a strong sense of disconnection and pain, which is touched again and again when memories are brought up, or when sad news surfaces about someone you may have had contact with. Because the vast majority of Christians meet in church buildings and have organised services, we are necessarily cut off from the majority because we meet at home and eat, pray and worship as a family without a pre-planned programme. We've lost touch with the others, and that's sad. We've been to the occasional church service since leaving, which causes some to come up to us and ask us if we're "coming back". It's so ironic. And only someone who has gone through the same thing can understand that spiritually we are still family. Most in the church only see the walls though, and that's the tragedy.

Since coming into our wilderness experience, we have had the privilege of walking with a few others with whom we try to meet regularly, once a week at least. We know a few others who live further afield who we meet up with every few weeks. We have no name as a group and haven't felt we should have one. So far I don't feel a sense of identity has grown up with us. I wonder if it's because we don't have a name, or because we are so few. I'd be really interested to hear from others who are in or have been in a similar situation.

Answered prayer

Our 18 year old son Ben passed his driving test today! Praise the Lord! Three years to the day that our daughter did! Such a relief and an answer to our prayers at breakfast time this morning - seeing that he is under some time pressure as he has to go back to the UK to school next week!
He does his motorbike driving test next Tuesday - the day before he leaves - so if anyone thinks of him, please pray for him that he passes. The German driving tests are extremely stringent, and cost a bomb. If he doesn't pass the test on Tuesday it will complicate matters exceedingly, as he wants to have a license which combines both car and motorbike. He won't be back here until December, and won't be able to retake the motorbike test until next spring - as riding a bike in snow and ice is unadvisable to say the least. So he'll need more lessons to refresh and practice then, which is expensive. Lord, please help him to concentrate, drive wisely and responsibly and give him a good examiner. Thank you!!

Hard Hearts reflect an Iron God

Something I've been gradually understanding for the last few years has to do with what we are able to receive. Hard-hearted people are unable to receive the true revelation of who God is. 
The folk in the OT were pretty tough people. I think of the divestment and death of Aaron, or the execution of Achan and his whole family for Achan's theft of items put under the ban at Ai, or David, allowing his prisoners among the Ammonite warriors to be sawn in two, or being made to pass through brick kilns (the modern translations make it seem as if he put them to hard labour).
For me the clue was where Jesus says, when asked about divorce, he said that Moses allowed it 'because of your hardness of heart'. Where there is softness and openness to forgiveness, divorce wouldn't even be contemplated. Yet what Moses wrote is the word of God. How can we reconcile this with what the NT says?
Is it possible that the Lord gives us, in his mercy, as much as we are capable of understanding, and that he allows himself to be misrepresented by our faulty witness, our hard hearts, and even dare I say it, the material, temporal limitations of paper and ink, the Bible?
It's as if he allows himself to be hidden from view by the hardness of men's hearts - like the veil in 2 Corinthians 3:14 which prevents 'dull-minded' people from understanding who Jesus is.

Like the parable of the talents, when the third servant, who 'knew' his master to be a hard man, hid his talent away. He was judged according to the picture he had of God. So often, it seems that our character reflects the picture we have of God. If I am hard, insensitive and aggressive, I will undoubtedly have the same picture of God and think or expect that he does or will act in such a way toward me.
Maybe this is why YHWH 'appears' hard in the OT - because much of it was written by necessarily hardened men - men who had known war, cruel times, the normal hardships of life in a pre-industrial Middle East. Yet, they were still men who had met and knew God, so there is enough in their stories to make the soft-hearted seeker 'see' who God is, IF he or she is open.
Perhaps this is the reason why some people appear as hard and cruel as they are - because the picture they have of God, G-d, or Allah is correspondingly cruel and hard.

Our hearts are the pages on which God writes his revelation. I suppose that in as much as I soften my heart, I will receive more revelation and come to know and understand the God who is love, better.

Respect and Disagreement

I'd be very interested to know what other people's take on teenagers' disagreement with adults is. Especially those from other countries. My reason for asking is the following:

In Britain, in the 60s and 70s and 80s I was brought up to obey my elders - parents and teachers etc. Now I've lived in Germany for nearly 22 years and we have brought up our children to be polite, say 'please' and 'thank you' and not to argue rudely with us. If they disagree about something, an appeal to us is always legitimate - but a rude 'no' is unacceptable.

Having said that, I find that I come up time and time again against young teenagers here, who, if they think that I'm wrong, (and frankly, 99% of the time, I am afraid that they're wrong)  instead of simply saying, 'Excuse me, but are you sure?,' simply say 'No', with breathtaking equanimity - not aggressively, just completely sure that they are in the right. This comes across to me, with my English politeness, shyness and backwardness at coming forward, as incredibly arrogant.  It literally sometimes takes my breath away. I am sometimes so shocked, that I find it difficult to come up with a reply, because I don't expect such cool assurance. I suppose that I'm not that sure about myself, when it boils down to some issues.
I find it horribly difficult to answer such behaviour.

I don't think these children mean to be rude, but somewhere, some kind of respect switch is missing. What is it that their upbringing has lacked? Just yesterday I watched a You Tube video about a young man who had been brought up in Nigeria, in a rural Muslim family, and who had become a Christian after having some vivid dreams of Jesus. What struck me most of all was the beautiful way he respected his father. He never contradicted him, disagreed with him or accused him of being wrong; he appealed to him if he felt that he was in the wrong, but when his father commanded him to drink poison because he had left the religion of his forefathers, after appealing for mercy and then asking for time to pray for protection, he drank the stuff. Most Western children today would, I think, have displayed a somewhat different reaction.

Resurrection decoration: the daffodils are out and the tomb is empty.
He is risen! Jesus is alive!

We spent a good two days, last weekend, down in the Alps with another family, two extra teenagers and a couple of guests from England. We were invited to stay with them in the house belonging to our friend's brother. He and his family were visiting other family members elsewhere, and very kindly let us all (13 people) make use of their lovely house. While the weather wasn't particularly friendly (rain the first two days and snow on Sunday morning) so that we got very few glimpses of the mountains, we had a super time together, with the teenagers providing most of the laughs.

F. did a bit of teaching on Passover on Saturday evening while we had a scrummy supper of roast lamb, couscous and stewed apple and ice cream for pudding. We were also able to do a bit of walking in the mountains, (up to the point where it got too foggy and steep), visit Herrenchiemsee and have a guided tour around Ludwig II's bombastic palace, (in which he only lived for 10 days and never completed), and on Sunday on our way home we popped into Munich and had a couple of hours in the Deutsche Museum, which was fascinating and well worth it, even though we didn't have that much time.

We had had a rather stressful few weeks and we felt it in several things which went awry, taxing our faith and patience, like the Satnav going on the blink when F. accidentally dropped it and the memory card slipped out. He thought it was broken, but after we prayed, let the battery run down and re-boot it with the memory card pushed back in, it worked again fine. Praise the Lord. It seemed like a little thing, but for F it was the last straw in a series of frustrating incidents, most of which seem to occur when he is exhausted with work, which is pretty much always. Funny how it's so often when one is at the end of one's tether when one gives up and lets God through. But somehow the lovely people we were with didn't seem to let it bother them, and while I thought they were marvellous for putting up with us, they were glad that we were there!

This week was a Jonah week. My purse was stolen when we were at the railway station collecting our son whose half-term holiday had just started. His plane from Manchester was delayed, which meant that he missed the connecting flight from Frankfurt home, and had to come by train. He arrived at 00.35. It was surprising how full the station was - full of young people, many of them worse the wear for drink. The State Police had a big thing going on too. My husband and I split up, as our offspring had no phone on him and we couldn't find him. So hubby went one way and I went another. Five minutes later my own mobile phone rang and I reached back to my rucksack handbag, undid the zip and took out the phone. I had a thick jacket and gloves on (it was -15° C) and couldn't get to the zip immediately to close up the bag, and so I answered the phone. We didn't go anywhere on Saturday and on Sunday morning I opened my bag to get my purse out to give hubby some money to buy rolls with for breakfast - friends had stayed overnight. No purse. Oh dear. So we called the bank emergency hotline and locked down the bank cards and credit card. Unfortunately my driving license was in it as well as the health insurance cards. In future I will keep all such cards in a different place - not the purse.

We went to the police in the afternoon, who obligingly wrote out a form saying that my driving license had been lost, thought to be stolen, so that if I was stopped by a police control while driving (I need the car to drive to work) I wouldn't be penalised for not having a license.
Monday I was out all day doing a pronunciation seminar for English teachers and on Tuesday I was teaching business English. The purse wasn't at the town's lost and found depot either.

Our son had to go to the doctor on Monday and again on Wednesday, where it was discovered that he had several hairline cracks in an ankle bone, severely strained sinews, muscle tissue damage and bruising in his foot. The school he attends is pretty tough, and I think they might have looked into it, but there you go. Ben now has to wear an airboot for two weeks and is not allowed to do any sports for 4 weeks, which puts paid to his running in this year's 10 Mile Run.

I had to go to the dentist on Wednesday, as I had some pain below a tooth, which I thought had been treated enough between December and January. Turned out that a cyst had built up, which if it wasn't treated straight away, would turn into an abscess. So I had to go across the city to the dental surgeon, who lanced and drained the offending area and prescribed antibiotics and pain killers. Travelled back on the underground to where I'd parked the car, went to the local chemist, only to discover that in my doped state, I had forgotten to take the prescription with me. Felt close to tears by now. Rang the practice who said that they'd been trying to contact me, and they spoke to the lady in the chemist's, who found what I needed and rang it all up. I almost left without paying - I was so idiotic. Thank God - it all worked out. Managed to drive home without causing any accidents.
I have to go back to the practice tomorrow for the real onslaught on my tooth.

Anyway, things have been a bit fraught, and hubby has had masses of work on his plate. Son goes back to the UK on Sunday and we follow him on Monday with his grandmother, who is spending a week in England with us. I've managed to prepare all my lessons today for when we come back so I have tomorrow for the dentist and the weekend to recover and pack. Phew. I hope there are daffodils out in England already. A bit of green and colour would be wonderful after this lengthy hibernal monotony.

'...that you may be healed.'

'Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed.' James 5:16.

The Lord gave me this yesterday. I don't think there is a limit to the depravity in our hearts - and only He can see it all. But if I hold on to the least shred of self which He reveals, then I'm choosing me and not Him. He'll give me what I want. That's the scary thing.

Discipleship

After my recent wade through a slough of despond, and crying out to the Lord for help and direction, something has changed. Somehow, while calling for help, a little voice inside told me that light was going to break before long.

We have been meeting up for two and a half years now with a few friends - some have moved on - and two or three have stayed, and one of these, N, who has become a dear friend, is now meeting up with me on Monday nights to share what the Lord has been doing in us, confess sin and pray for others.
We started meeting about 5 weeks ago, and recently we decided to read through the letter of James every day until we felt it was time to change to another book - and see what the Lord said to us. Already, I am sensing a change in me. He is making me stronger in my spirit, able to withstand temptation better, I get my work done more efficiently and I am getting nourished from the Word more. I was reading the Bible regularly and a lot before, but upping the amount that I read daily has been doing so much inside me. I'm seeing even more connections than I did before, and marvelling increasingly at how multilayered and multifaceted the Bible is.
This, when my husband is going through the usual colossal stress with his work, annoyance and frequent pain with his back problems, struggling to believe that God is for him, is enabling me to stand firm under what otherwise would be too much of a heavy burden. My heart is secure in the presence of Jesus.
N and I began to get up early recently, to do Nordic walking for an hour outside before the day begins. We go out Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. It has given my week a framework for me to move in, and already I can feel the physical benefits. My balance and sleep are better.

Reading through James is doing something else as well. I realise more than ever what 'renewing the mind' is all about. I've always known that fighting the battle of the bulge wasn't just about disciplining my flesh - I knew that it began in the mind. But I couldn't get my mind to do what it ought to have done, so I was becoming used to an attitude of failure and thinking that I would have to struggle with this for the rest of my life. Reading masses of scripture makes me far more alert and awake to hearing the Lord - recently He showed me that no area of sin shall have domination over me. Halleluyah!

For the first time in my life I think, when I fast, I actually find it easy to do so - the temptation to eat then, or to eat unwisely at other times - is hardly there at all. My mind is the closed door, and repetitve reading of scripture is the key. Repetitively reading James (which is so practical!) is helping me meditate on the scripture, which brings it to mind during the day and focuses me on the Lord, rather than on myself. I don't feel interested in watching DVDs (however good they are) or reading anything which would take my attention from what the Lord wants to do in me.  Housework and other work is much easier. We've been learning modern Greek for several months - I actually did my homework this morning, and enjoyed it, instead of waiting 'til the last moment before the next lesson.

Some might see this as legalistic religion - I believe that it is a simple and easy way of making sure that my whole day is submitted to the Lord. Discipleship seemed hard before; now it isn't. I am ashamed to say it, but I have never been really disciplined with anything for very long, I am by nature, lazy, greedy and self- indulgent. Self-control was a fruit of the Spirit which I never saw much of. But I had been praying about it for several weeks prior to this, and am at last beginning to see a change. Obedience is becoming a joy.

Opposition

It is interesting to see how in the last few days, several voices have come against my resolve to bring our children home for the half-term holiday. The latest is that the headmaster of the school they go to, has written to strongly recommend that year 13 pupils not be allowed to fly because of the ash cloud possibly turning up again, in case they can't get back for their final exams in June.
My parents have also told me that the children can stay with them if we want to keep them in the UK over the holiday.
I will look pretty stupid if I'm wrong and didn't hear the Lord. Naturally I'm afraid, but I still feel peace about the decision.
Added to that, I've been attacked with a nasty case of tonsilitis and F. has had another Sudden Deafness Attack which has still not quite reversed itself. The son of friends with whom we meet regularly on Fridays has fallen ill too, with a temperature. It seems as if our decision to pray together every morning for our husbands is having an effect on the unseen realm and someone doesn't like it.
We will not give up. We are sticking at our resolve. All things work together for good to those to love God.

Eyjafjallajökull and its ramifications for a small, unimportant family

What an amazing situation. Whoever would have thought that Eyjafjallajökull's eruption would have had such consequences for so many people.

This awesome act of God has resulted in an extra week of holidays for our children who were due to fly back to the UK this morning, but as all Germany has shut down its airspace, as has Britain, for the fourth day running, their flights have been cancelled. So we have been trying to find an alternative - and have booked tickets for the ferry across the North Sea to the NE of England. What a story. We will have to drive them up to Amsterdam (a 6 hour drive if we're blessed with good traffic conditions) next Sunday, put them on the ferry and then drive back. They'll travel overnight and get a taxi to school the next day. Incredible. I still can't quite believe it. But, as a friend in Panama very aptly asks, and I suspect a good many others are doing the same, 'Isn't it time man showed some humility?'

We take so much for granted and think that we are invincible. It doesn't take much to show us our place. Praise God for such events.

And if the global financial crisis was really evening out, which I don't believe for a moment, this event will certainly set things back a huge amount. I wonder what vile plots the Powers That Be are cooking up behind the scenes, as they take advantage of this latest crisis.

We are grateful that our own situation is so much less difficult than it must be for so many others.

Bo's Cafe - a review

I have no idea why I remembered this and why I'm sharing it, but I was reminded of it this morning.
A few years ago a man, someone said to me, after a church service, in the middle of the room with everyone else buzzing around,
"Your eyebrows are too thick. Why don't you get them dealt with?"
My eyebrows are descended from my grandfather who had a pair of the best beetlers anyone could hope to meet. We loved them on him. But, like any woman, I'd like to be thought of as beautiful, and this personal remark also hit me in my Englishness, which taught me that to make personal remarks like that is the height of rudeness. (Since then, the cultural stuff is being knocked out of me too; in the end, God's in charge of what people say - I'm only responsible for my reaction.)

Anyway, looking back, I realised that he was one of the most needy, hurting and stupid idiots I have ever known. He didn't know God. He was cheating on his wife at the time and still is. We were trying to help him and had opened up and were being vulnerable with him.

I don't think I had realised just how gracious God is back then. I was just offended.
Now, after all that time, I think I would say something like, "... And what are you hiding, dear?"

Anyway, I've just finished reading 'Bo's Café' by John Lynch, Bill Thrall and Bruce McNicol

I found this book really good in the sense that it took me further along the journey of understanding that God likes me for who I am, not for what I do or don't do. I hardly know what good literature is any more - I love reading the classics and assume that they're good, but I rarely read a book these days unless I'm going to learn something by reading it, and most modern books, especially Christian books, seem to me to unbearably trite and shallow.

Steven Kerner is a successful, driven 34 year old, who has everything outwardly, but little realises how little he has inwardly. The lies he tells himself are destroying his life and relationships with those closest to him. One day he's accosted by a man he thinks is a stranger in a bar and from that moment onwards, he starts to come unravelled.

The writers wrote this to help others along the journey of discovering 'the life and freedom in Christ that living in His grace affords us." I think that this parable does that. It's simple, the action is mostly in the conversation, but it works. I wanted to follow the conversation further and even join it.
I am desperate to know God more and to learn to walk in His truth. After reading 'Bo's Cafe,' I realise more than ever that I don't have all the answers, but He does, and I am grateful that there are some who are further along that path than I am who can help me. I can think of at least a hundred people in Germany alone I'd like to give this book to.

What I have recently been shown - something I didn't want to see for a while - on the journey, is that in leaving IC and all that it entailed behind me, I discover a thirst for the quest or search for knowledge; new books to read, deeper insights or experience, which, if I am not careful, becomes an idol in itself; a new kind of security to replace the idol I left behind me, while I am still waiting in the wilderness. I am prone to looking for substitutes, when the Reality is always there in and around me, and I can see Him by faith alone. I don't mean that it's wrong to read books - just that I need to be led by the Spirit and not by my natural hunger.

I had an animated talk with my friends from the esoteric scene last night in town. One of them, J., is obssessed with his intellectual search for new esoteric and historical/political knowledge, and this blocks him from coming to an experience of the Truth. Even B. who is also into the esoteric, can't bear to listen to him any more, but she is being convicted of her own sin and is beginning to feel that she is in desperate need of forgiveness ansd cleansing. I was so surprised when she told me this. I haven't seen her for a while, so it hasn't been as a result of anything I've said to her. I think Father is showing her her reflection in His mirror; His kindness leading her to repentance. I asked her if I could pray for her, and afterwards (I prayed in the Spirit for a while as well) she looked up in wonderment and said that she was feeling an incredible peace - no more voices, no more fear. She has a way to go, but the Lord's drawing her. Am also praying for Y., who is a practising white witch and does life counselling sessions. She charges 30 Euros an hour to lay out cards, cast out spirits, burn incense, etc. I asked her if she'd ever asked Jesus to help her and she told me her story about how He had appeared to her when she was a child. She's been reading a book by Wilhelm Busch - 'Jesus-unsere Chance!' which she carries about all the time with her. She's very touched by the story of the Lost Son.

It hit me this morning under the shower, that the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was actually nothing other than the Tree of Death (just as God has always set before us the choice of life and death) but because it was called the Tree of Knowledge, I had never made the so obvious connection, even though in the Hebrew, when God says to Adam that if he eats from the Tree of Knowledge, 'dying, you will die'.

Funny that. I wonder why God didn't say to Adam that he shouldn't eat from the Tree of Death? Or perhaps the fuller explanation of exactly what the Tree purported to be - the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, which if Adam ate from it, dying, he would die, was actually kinder. It gave him more information; not less. Adam was a highly intelligent being. He ought to have worked it out. So it actually made his sin even less understandable. He had no excuse.